letters not found, letters unbound
by falling winter roses
Summary: darling, don't leave me / why her, why not me? / one day, you will find these letters and remember me, the girl with flame red hair and a broken mind and heart / ginny and impossible love written on parchment stained with tears and letters in black ink / written for the ilvermorny forum Love in The Air Event/ AU / trigger warning for suicidal thoughts/implied suicide


1/27/18

Dear Harry,

You started dating Hermione yesterday. I mean, I can't blame you. She's infinitely better than me. She's smarter, prettier, funnier, nicer. I'm just a twelve year old brat who always dumps her problems on others. I'm just a twelve year old mean, stupid girl.

But I can't help but hurt. Even though I knew you'd never like me back, I couldn't help but hope.

I was an idiot.

Such a fucking idiot.

Why, Harry? Why Hermione, why not me? I know it's selfish of me, and I know that you'll probably never see these, but whY.

Actually, that's a stupid question.

I an unlovable, after all.

Why am I even writing this?

Ugh.

But, well, I guess it really hurts. I feel as if you would all be better off without me, because seriously, what did I accomplish today? Oh Yeah, I made Luna leave our group hangout today in tears and made Hermione yell at me. That's fine. I know I'm useless anyway. But Merlin, oh damned Merlin, why can't you all just understand that my parents can't help? Why can't you all just understand that I've gotten through rejection and jealousy on my own before, and I can do it now?

Ugh, I feel like I should feel bad, but the thing is, I don't. I feel wrong though because before, I cared about Hermione so much, Merlin I was so scared when I thought she'd been killed.

Now?

I don't feel like I would care at all if she just disappeared, right off the face of the earth.

And I don't think it's just the jealousy, I think it's because of all the times With her and Ron where I was simply a third wheel, all the times where I tried to help and I couldn't, everything.

It's been building for a while.

I also feel like, even though I'm too ashamed of these letters for you to ever read them, that I should explain why I'm writing these.

Sometimes I just want to tell people things, but I can't. And this is my way. Timestamped letters saying in type what I can't really say to them.

Well, I have to go, I suppose.

That's all for tonight.

Love,

Ginny.

* * *

1/30/18

Dear Harry,

I miss who we once were. I miss our old happy, stupid selves. I miss the hope, I miss being happy. I miss it all.

I'm happy, I guess you would say. It was a good day today and it was a good day yesterday too.

I'm proud of myself, for once. I feel happy.

I'm hoping again.

I'm smiling again.

Maybe the world isn't completely bad after all.

Love,

Ginny.

* * *

2/2/18

Dear Harry,

Ugh, I take back what I said before. The world seems to be just cruel and lonely and terrible after all.

A boy was so mean to me today, and all my best friend did was correct my grammar and scold me for correcting hers later.

Everyone stood up for the boy even though he was the one being mean first.

I sound petty.

I tried to leave. I tried to distance myself away from you all, like Ron did before. But Merlin, I _can't._ I need you guys too much, I love you too much, Harry, please. Seeing you too smile at each other and laugh and kiss and hug and be so _happy_ makes me want to cry, want to fucking die. Some days it's not so… obvious that you're together, but still I know, and seeing you two together on the loveseat reminds me of all the times I sat there with Hermione and Ron, laughing.

I miss those times.

I still had hope in those times.

Hope, for love, for happiness.

Hope that is gone.

I didn't really have any energy at all today. Everything seemed dull, colors seemed muted. Voices seemed like they were coming from a long, long way away. Food seemed tasteless. I kept eating sour candies, trying to feel something, anything, but I felt nothing.

Nothing at all.

Is this what it feels like to have a broken heart?

Probably.

I want to cry. But I can't, because I think if I start crying, I won't ever be able to stop.

It's not your fault you love Hermione, like I said in what I sent. It's not your fault that you don't love me.

It's not as if you're alone in the way of not loving ME.

Well... today I found out a girl liked me. She's one of my close friends, but I've never really felt anything for her, you know? And I feel bad because she liked another one of my friends too but she got rejected that time too. But then again, I'm telling myself, she's that kind of person who doesn't care about love. She's that kind of person who doesn't have real loves. Well, at least not to my knowledge. We all wear masks sometimes, don't we?

I mean, every time I've had a 'crush' it's always been so deep and meaningful and has always lasted for months at the least, twice for years. It hurt a lot, but I eventually let go. I feel as if Hermione and Ron's relationship wasn't that close because Hermione got over Ron breaking up with her for Lavender in a matter of days, and it took me months to get over my first rejection, and six weeks to get over the next one, and months for the third.

It really fucking hurt, long story short.

I don't know.

Harry James Potter, I love you.

And I wish that I could change that.

But sadly, I can't.

Only my heart can.

With all my love,

Ginny.

* * *

2/14/18

Dear Harry,

It just hurt to see everyone in love today. Everyone smiling and laughing today, the day of kisses and love and hearts.

It's Valentine's Day, and I am utterly alone.

The past few days have been so, so hard. You could never understand how much it hurt to see every smile exchanged today, you could never understand how much I wanted to cry.

Merlin, Harry, you could never understand how much I wanted you to love me back, how much I love you, how much I always have.

Everything has been dull. Tasteless. Lifeless.

It's never been this bad after a heartbreak for me.

Then again, I've loved you the most, I've loved you for so long, but this has never happened. This will never happen. I know that you will never love me, and I know that no one else ever will.

I don't think I have any hope anymore.

Missing the old days,

Ginny.

* * *

2/19/18

Dear Harry,

I've made my decision. I'm going to do it.

I've been thinking about this for a while, before I even started writing these little letters to you.

When you find this, tell my parents, my brothers, sorry from me.

The greatest sorry in the world.

I think they were the only ones who ever truly cared.

Goodbye, Harry.

I wish you and Hermione the best in life, I wish that you two will someday be a happy, married couple.

I wish you all a good lot in life.

Goodbye,

Ginny.


End file.
